The Unbearable Lightness of Cats and Toast in a Spinning Vortex


Today’s lesson is to explain and debunk the mysterious  relationship between cats, gravity…and buttered toast. Are cats an alien species? Are cats secretly plotting to take all of our butter and jams and toast for themselves. Why do cats always land on their feet? Why does buttered toast never fail to land on the buttered side when dropped by a human frightened by….a CAT! O.o

Conspiracy theorists have a field day with these diabolical questions and are even more intrigued by the apparent answers. Lets review and discuss shall we?


  • Murphy’s Law / Finagle’s corollary:
‘If something can go wrong, it will’
‘If you throw a slice of buttered toast into the air it will always fall with the buttered side down.’
  • Cat’s conservation law:
‘A Cat will always land on its foots.’


“Murphy was a pessimist”

~ Captain Obvious on Murphy’s law

“Damn, why didn’t I think of that?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Murphy’s Law (or Wilde’s Law)

So, what would happen if we stick a slice of toast with butter to a cat’s back and we throw it to the air? The cat, by law, will land on its feet, but the toast, (by law too) will land on the butter’s side. Against this problem of physics laws, the nature chooses the best (and laziest, I think) way of taking a solution: the cat may just not fall.

Advanced computer model depicting the physics of a cat-toast device.

The cat with the toast, once it’s free in the air, will float at its cat-toast equilibrium point, where butter repulsion forces and cat forces are in balance. This point can be adjusted by removing some butter from the toast, adding it, or cutting some hairs (or legs) from the cat. In theory, this will cause the cat to remain stationary, however, in reality, due to varied nature of gravity and the non-uniform profile of Earth, the cat will simply spin around its center of gravity at ever-increasing speed.

In fact, most civilized species in the universe already use this principle in order to build their UFO‘s. Thus, the buzzing that you can hear when you see an UFO is actually the purr from the cats.


The diagram at right shows that FBT is the force exerted by the butter so that it falls down, and FC are the forces the cat’s feet exert so that it doesn’t break its ass when falling. The following equation:

{\mathbf  {F_{{total}}}}=3^{k}{\sqrt  {\mu \,\,(F_{{BT}}\cos \Theta \,\,-4F_{C}\sin \Theta \,\,)}}

Such that Θ = π + 3μ√2 gives us that when:

\lim _{{k\to \infty }}F(k)=0

The cat defies gravity.


In order for the equilibriated cat to escape its inertia one must attach a propulsion device. The necessary item consists of cellotape (and if possible some object such as a bottle top); when the cellotape is attached to the cat’s tail, the cat feels compelled to escape the anomaly caused by the disruption in tail dynamics. Thus the cat engages in accelerated motion in a direction diametric of the cellotape.

Theoretically if one attached, further, a piece of string to the tail disruptor one may have a suitable steering mechanism, however this theory has not been tested — and some well positioned, suspended, tuna would probably suffice.

It has further been suggested that if one were to wrap the cat with rolls of insulated copper wire and rig the landing site with magnets, the cat and toast could become a rotating generator. Of course, these effects only last as long as the cat lives. Once the cat dies, the toast wins. The life of the cat could theoretically be extended by enclosing the landing site in a box containing a source of radiation, and closing said box once the cat is safely inside — thanks to the law of quantum possibilities, the cat is simultaneously both dead and alive. If the box is never opened, the quantum state of the cat being alive continues to cause the cat and toast to spin, thus generating electricity for all eternity.

And its formula:

\int {\mathrm  {arsech}}\,{\frac  {x}{c}}\,dx=x\,{\mathrm  {arsech}}\,{\frac  {x}{c}}-c\,{\mathrm  {arctan}}\,{\frac  {x\,{\sqrt  {{\frac  {c-x}{c+x}}}}}{x-c}}\qquad {\mbox{(for }}x\in (0,\,c){\mbox{)}}

Alternative Uses

A Diagramised Diagram of Theo’s Perpetual motion Toast and cats theory.

A well known alternative use for the floating cat-toast combination is as the basis for a high speed hover train.

For the purposes of this explanation, the combination of 1 cat and 1 piece of buttered toast (as shown in the above drawing) will be referred to as a “floater”.

While the cat-toast combination is floating in mid-air it can be utilised in the following ways:

A number of ‘floater’s’ can be tied together to form a sort of floating raft. If a carpet (preferably of eastern design) is spread out over them, we have just made a so-called ‘magic flying carpet’.

If more ‘floater’s’ are used a larger mass such as a box-car can be placed on top forming one part of a hover train. A number of these can be linked together depending on the size of train required. The train will be able to travel at high speeds and there are no friction forces to overcome.

This property of rotating cats has also been utilised by addicts of kitten huffing to add a second hit to the huffing experience. By strapping buttered toast to the kittens they huff, the huffer begins to hover and rotate, this is known as hover-huffing and is only for the seriously serious huffer as it results in a truly disorienting experience. Do not attempt this with the orange ones.

Oscar Wilde’s Cat-Toast Device

Textbook diagram of antigravitory cat theory

The Cat-Toast Device is the never-ending source of energy that powers the Uncyclopedia (Also known as “The Buttered Cat Turbine”).

The device is composed of two pure substances:

  • Cats – small mammals that always land on their feet.
  • Buttered Toast – tasty breakfast food that always lands butter-side down.

Oscar Wilde, always one to recognize the violation of laws of quantum mechanics, found a way to harness the limitless potential energy of the hovering cat-toast creation to power his Uncyclopedia. This discovery undermined any credit that Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment had originally, which wasn’t much to say the most.

All rumors about the Uncyclopedia being powered by a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device or a Wind farm are totally baseless. This, of course, makes them absolutely true.

The Cat-Toast Device will one day be used in the construction of the Shimizu Superfun Megacity Pyramid Challenge Session. It may also be used to create artificial gravity for space stations.


In 1977 A.C., Oscar Wilde, frustrated in his attempts to get two bisexual women back to his place at the same time, hit upon the idea of tying a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropping it from the top of a Leaning Tower of Pisa to see which would prevail. The cat-toast hybrid fell at the constant acceleration of gravity until it stopped just above the ground, hovering. Both substances wanted to hit the ground first, canceling each other out. Wilde was thus the first person to discover the principle of ‘percatual motion’, a particularly powerful form of perpetual motion, the process of extracting limitless energy from household pets. Needless to say, the women came back to his place. Partially because he discovered such a principle, but mostly because he’s freakin’ Oscar Wilde

Proposed inverse of device

Some quantum mechanics have suggested that an inverse of the Cat-Toast device would be possible. The inverse would consist of a piece of buttered toast glued butter-side-up to the stomach of a cat. The cat would attempt to land on its legs but the non-buttered side of the toast would prevent it. Likewise, the buttered side of the toast would want to land, but the cat’s back would be unable to hit the ground. However, while this would seemingly have the same effect as a regular Cat-Toast device, it would actually have a quite different effect where the cat and toast would be crushed into singularity. This would occur because unlike a traditional Cat-Toast device where the cat and toast repel opposite each other, the inverse Cat-Toast device has the cat and toast repel towards each other. This squeezes the cat and toast into an infinitely small piece of matter, much like a black hole. The cat, however, would soon escape due to its nine lives (which are replenished during such quantum discrepancies) and the toast would get burned anyway from the massive amounts of heat released during the compression process.

Other Documented Uses

There are over four different ways to configure this device by gluing different parts of the cat and toast together:

  • If you glue the toast’s buttered side to the cat’s top, you’ll create a device which will ram into the ground as hard and fast as possible. Many experimenters have lost their feet in this fashion.
  • If you glue the toast’s unbuttered side to the cat’s feet, it will send the cat hundreds of feet into the air where it will turn around very quickly and land in the same fashion as the result explained above. This device cannot be stopped from turning, and thus is very handy to use for digging and deconstruction purposes if launched from a calculated starting point.
  • If you glue the buttered side of the toast to the side of the cat, it will make it fall in a V-shape, thus splitting the earth and allowing for millions of demons to escape… “Here we go again!”
  • If you glue the buttered side of the toast to the cat’s feet, they’ll fall inwards upon each other, thus creating a black hole which will eventually absorb and destroy the universe in its entirety.
  • If you force a cat to swallow the toast whole it will turn inside-out so that the toast can hit the ground but then it will turn inside-out again so it’s feet will hit the ground, etc.

There are many other different combinations you can do to these two products, so we at Uncyclopedia advise you to try some for yourself.


Some scientologists think that creating antigravitatory cats is impossible. They’ve tried to demonstrate it by doing the experiment by themselves, however the ability to successfully glue cats to toast remains a trade secret limited to most governmental agencies, mastermind evil-doers, and of course Oscar Wilde.

In order to attempt the experiment, you need:

Let’s imagine you have the components ready. Now try to put the cat and the buttered toast together with the gluing dispositive. See what happens? Exactly! There is no cat!

When the gluing dispositive and the cat are in the same tetradimensional space of close proximity to buttered toast, the cat disappears. The comparison with Schrodinger’s Cat is obvious, but unlike the infamous (un)dead cat, there has been no comprehensive explanation of why the disappearance takes place.

There are however several schools of thought that attempt to explain this phenomena, most however, don’t explain why the cat is the one who disappears, and not the gluing agents.:

First theory

It is known that a cat is largely built from particles called “Catilian-superquarks” (the resistance of which are measured in “meowhms”). These altered superquarks show both atomic (built of normal quarks) and feline qualities (built of charmed characteristics). Because the gluing dispositive is in no way made of quarks, when cat and glue are put together they cancel themselves out and the gluing agent remains behind to seek out better relationships.

Second theory

Cats are pandimensional, superintelligent creatures. When in danger, they start to purr to open a travel portal to their original dimension. The reason why the cats stay in this dimension is because here they find enough food and people stupid enough to feed them.

Third theory

The cat runs away, scratching the idiot who tried to put glue on it. (Most theorists dismiss this idea as pedantic.)

Fourth theory

The cat and the toast spin themselves so fast that they create a black hole and people and objects are sucked into the swirling mix of the Catoastrophy. Thus far the event has always been localized to the experimenting scientologists.

Fifth theory

Murphy’s Law: If something can go wrong, it will. Therefore something will mess up this cat theory. After this, something will mess up Murphy’s Law, then the cat theory has no basis and someone will discredit it and something will go wrong with the attempt at disproving it. Then the cat theory will not be proven incorrect, and relying on Murphy’s Law, will prove Murphy’s Law correct again. Therefore something will mess up this cat theory. After this, something will mess up Murphy’s Law. Ad nauseam.

This causes an infinite cycle of the theory being viable and unviable and will mean that the cat will be beaten against the floor at frequency \nu , which is proportional to the highly reduced fat mass of the butter \mu . The cat is therefore beaten to death eventually, but if something can go wrong, it will. Therefore someone will mess up my cat theory, then Murphy’s Law. It doesn’t make sense! I’ll go mad!

Sixth theory

The butter drips off, or is replaced with Flora.

Seventh theory

The cat and gluing dispositive will actually come together, but the cat spins so fast due to the invariance in the center of gravity that, following the law of time travel, it goes backward in time.

This has led to another theory stating that at the beginning of time there is an infinite number of antigravitatory cats, and therefore, causing the creation of the universe in the first place, due to the excessive gravitational forces produced by the infinite number of cats, they cause the big-bang.

However, some scientologists have pointed out that since the cat will continue going back in time, it will cease to exist due to the fact that once something goes before the start of time, it will no longer exist in this dimension, but will be warped to another dimension.

Eighth Theory

The butter vanishes, and the cat lands on its feet. The toast, however, ends up slipping off the cat’s back and landing on a taxi. Why a taxi, you ask? Because according to Murphy’s Law, any object which detaches from some second object must land on a moving taxi. This has been the cause of great distress to people designing things such as multiple-stage rockets. Typically a number of taxis must be placed below said rocket’s flight path to avoid a terrible fate in the nearest conurbation.

Ninth Theory

The cat will asplode.

Tenth Theory

Unfortunately, the tenth theory has been lost forever, as the experimenter used margarine instead of butter. Therefore, the test did nothing, and the cat turned out to be a grue which ate the scientist involved except for his head. As his head dropped to the ground, all he could say was “WTF PWNED, LOL!!!11one” and then his head asploded and was fed to his neighbour’s dog.

Eleventeenth Theory

The cat, the butter, and the applicant represent three sides of a triangle. When the mark is created, one must disappear- it is usually the cat. Investigations to find out where it goes have been fruitless. Note however, that strawberry preserves are a choice fruit for the applicant spread upon the remaining toast.

M Theory

If one is to ascertain the outcome of this thought experiment, one needs a unified theory of cats and buttered toast. M-Theory, which was originally a theory of hardon physics, is such a unified theory. Unfortunately, M-Theory requires the cats to have 11 tails to work. M-Theory also requires that there be a specifically named dog for every cat and vice versa. E.g. if your cat is named Fluffy, then there is a dog named Fluffino. Although nobody has ever heard of dogs with such ridiculous names, M-Theorists think we will observe such dogs soon after the more powerful dog catcher accelerators are built. As for the 11-tails, well 10 of them are small and curled up or something… Oh, what happens with the cat and the toast? We can’t get the theory to produce a stable vacuum cleaner solution yet. It’s only a matter of time, give us more money.

True Theory

The real reason this does not work is not because the glue is interacting with the cat but instead is reacting with the toast. You see, when the glue is applied to the toast it is ruined and therefore Murphy’s law is no longer applicable. The toast then becomes subjected to the reversed Murphy’s law (If something good can happen it will) causing the evil cat to disappear entirely. In accordance with Lorentz covariance, this also results in something bad that can’t happen to occur somewhere in the universe, mad scientists are currently attempting to harness this power to create a powerful weapon.

Stupidly Insane Theory

The cat and the toast come together, because cats like milk, which makes butter. Also, unknown to anyone outside Uncyclopedia, cats like to lick flour, then sneeze it on stupid people, who proceed to comment on how funny their little Tiddles looks with a white moustache and take photos, then post it on MySpace and Flickr. So, due to the attraction, the cat and the toast become one animal, so that is why the scientist couldn’t find the toast. According to this theory, every single cat you see has a half-eaten mouse inside its body.

The Actually Correct Theory

Cats are an unharnessable power of magnetic energy, and have been known to cause cats to powerfully repel, and in some case, fly away from objects that have a deep magnetical “aura”. This is called catetism. Previously, scientists have been trying to deny the existence of the new energy, but the super-power created by it has changed their minds (along with the cats clawing them to death). Cats have long used this to power to power the super cat city, Hmhsfmjhsf. However, this is Uncyclopedian protected items, so it is very hush-hush. Things that have been known to be repelled by catetism include:

  • Flea Medicines
  • Glue
  • Superglue
  • Grues
  • Stupid people like You
  • Clowns
  • Flowerpots
  • Dogs
  • Cheese
  • Vets**

Many scientists have attempted to bring under control the strong force of catetism, which, by far is the most powerful force, trumping nuclear by tens of thousands of times, due to the uranium all being smuggled out in Homer Simpsons’ pants.

However, as one young scientist pointed out, it is almost impossible to get samples of catetism, because people who try to get samples are being repelled by the force, which causes the cat to magically fly away. However, we decided to asplode that scientist, then feed his remains to a grue, because it ah…can be done. All that we need is a lot of money and you can pay us by ringing 1800-180-180. All values are accepted, but coins, especially ones that you have stolen from blind people playing the saxophone on the street, are preferred, as we don’t have to claim tax on them.

Ninjas can use the awesome power of catetism to kill enemies in extremely goofy ways. Bruce Lee can harness this power, which he uses to propel the enemy into the wall just by putting out his hand.


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